Notes to Mike

July 9, 2022 Dear Mike, I made another YouTube thing on The Art of War. I got 8 views. I'm like so all that. Remember that it is you who created this monster. I was perfectly content with just writing. The new article I will be working on is Machiavelli's The Prince. I read it like a million years ago, and now I'm rereading it. Have you seen any good shows on Netflix? I just finished season 3 of The Umbrella Academy. I'm so into sci-fi/fantasy/time travel.  Have you read any good books recently? I've been trying to get through The Gulag Archipelago. It's so tragic that it made me cry. People were put to death in Russia for trying to do something good and decent. The injustice of it… I don't know how I feel about Las Vegas. My happiness is my kids. My obligation is to my mother.  I broke it. I'm not sure how I was so talented as to break being a mom. I tried so hard Mike. I don't know what in me was so insufficient.   Comedy or tragedy?...

July 8, 2022 Dear Mike, My mom is worried about a nuclear fallout with Russia/Ukraine/USA.  I told her about my guy over here, that he was sick, and really all the things that he does to drive me crazy.  For the first time in her life, she empathized with my situation.  She said, "Make sure you call him Betty." I replied, "No, mom.  I can't give people more than what they deserve." She got flustered and ended our conversation. Did I say that my mom was controlling?  Yeah. Today I learned about the components of trust.  It's when someone knows that you're authentic, when you have their best interest at heart.   I also learned about what precipitates a relationship breaking up, when someone makes you feel like you don't rate at all and everything else is more important. I watched a funny Kung Fu movie on Netflix and was trying to get into it with June, a cashier at Sav A Lot.  She did the Kung Fu Kid crane stance.  I mimicked her.  Sh...

July 7, 2022 Dear Mike, It feels like I've fallen into a rabbit hole. It's cold, deep and dark.   Today I'm sad. I know you're really fond of that, me, taking you on a journey that you've gone on all too often and actually really never wish to revisit, but I just put it in your face like you have the power to fix all ailments. But you can't. You're a man and men are driven to fix things and you hate me because I just put endless problems before you. I'm like this malware bot that breaks down your system and you can't even recognize yourself anymore because I'm so good at steeping you in my travails. Maybe it's called hijacking. Nonetheless… Your favorite words in this world from me is, Mike, I'm so sad. Yeah, I know, you've fallen for that one before. And I am sad, Mike, not utterly, not completely, not wholeheartedly but still, it's there. I don't know if I'm just exercising self pity at this point. Self pity is ...

July 6, 2022 Dear Mike, I was just telling someone about you today.   About how I fucked everything up, how losing your friendship was such an incredible devastation. Having struggled with that failure for an entire year made me become a different person. I hope North Carolina is having nice weather this summer. I hope you're reminding your daughter of how much you adore her quirky ways. My life has been tumultuous in recent months and now I sort of have a boyfriend. It's really fun on some days because he's really funny. We are a good match. I'm getting along with my mom, like we have such a great relationship. It's everything and nothing all in the same breath because you know… I'm a stoic. Denial of need or desire is just at the forefront of how I process life. Mike, you're so valuable to me because I love how your mind works and your capacity for insight.   I wish that I could meet you one day.   That's gotta be on my bucket list. Oh, and the ...

Dear Mike, I'm just overwhelmed by an incredible amount of sadness. If you could localize what's wrong with my head, I would really appreciate that. It can't be the ugly mug that sits in front of it. That's already accounted for!   So… let's make a list… too much writing… is it like an Achilles heel? Damn it! If that's it, then I'm just fucked all over. It's just what I do and I exert too much poetic license. I give myself too many liberties. Or maybe it needs to be directed because there is too much capacity. Mike, I love you, because you're my friend. Betty

Hey, I was listening to Prisoners of Geography. https://youtu.be/-6-GjbGomF8 It's so amazing. It's such a beautiful life when you can piece together interconnecting puzzle pieces in geopolitics. I love war, or maybe just the challenge of winning, where you examine the myriad of details that make for success.   George Washington mastered the terrain because he used to work as a surveyor measuring the rise and fall of land.   One of my favorite reads was The Journal of Lewis and Clark. They were sent by President Jefferson to find a waterway that stretched east/west across the United States. There is no such water way but their journey was amazing. They surveyed the land, documented the rivers, collected plant and animal samples, survived hostile Indians and treacherous weather. It was arduous and groundbreaking because they were scouts. After them Americans poured westward from the original thirteen colonies.   Human beings are incredibly hardy. Their...

Dear Mike, How are you? Omg! I had the best time sharing with my friend, Steve a history lessen about how Hannibal brought elephants over the Alps. I did impressions of Hannibal convincing the French to join his cause. It was funny. Steve is a really sweet person. He works in IT. He has a deliberate and cautious demeanor. I always like to say stupid stuff to make him laugh. We do photography. It's been months.   So. Patrick. It's completely bizarre because Patrick and Steve are on opposite ends of the spectrum. Patrick is magnetic. A lot of good qualities. I'm teaching him meditation. I'm helping him mend something broken inside of him.   I wish you were here. My job is to put a smile on your face and I promise you, I can deliver. Because I love. I have the privilege of being your friend. It has significant meaning. Well, I would say, find joy, but you already do. I wish you perfect days. Betty

Hey, I made this video of pastor Zack the other day. https://youtu.be/5vNFZA3nY6U5 How are you? I just rewatched another of your videos on YouTube. You need to make more. Please. I miss how bright your spirit is. You're just so beautiful in front of the camera. I went straight out and bought the trimmer you recommended! Just kidding. But you are very adorable! I miss your perspective. I was thinking this morning of how my singing voice is such an embarrassment to myself and that I seriously needed to keep my day job.   Yesterday I got to tell someone about Breeanna and all the ways that she literally drove me crazy through the years. My daughter is just the absolute best! Inclusive, bright, witty! Anything she says can be taken on three different levels? I can't say that about anybody else I've ever come across!   Did I tell you that when she was five years old, she got sooooooo mad at me that she used five consecutive curse words to put me in my place? It w...

Dear Mike, Drugs and alcohol.  It's form of suicide.  I'm on a slow suicide mission.   I feel listless. I wish I was more. Remember when I told you that I had never been born.  If I blink my eyes and make it so, then I would.  The cashier at Sav A Lot came upon a victim of a  motorcycle crash not two hours ago.  The guy was more on the gone side rather than the here side.  His body lay motionless in the street as the police pulled up. It brought back memories of her daughter dying.   Jun rang out my order.  Her eyes were swollen.  Her demeanor was forlorn.  I asked her what happened. She was inaudible as she tried to explain. Her daughter was five.  She was in the ambulance as they tried to resuscitate her.  It didn't work. Two weeks after that her father died. I told her what anybody would want to hear.  I gave her strength to pull herself together, get perspective and continue with fortitude.  Th...

Preface When I was little I remember wanting a stuffed animal. I wanted a big brother to protect me. I used to tell my teachers in Vietnam that I spoke fluent English even though I spoke no English at all. I never wanted to be anything when I grew up because I never knew you had to get a job and make your own way in the world. In those days I had long mangling hair that was uncut because my father didn't believe in cutting hair for girls. In Vietnam I remember taking group martial arts outdoors and after having watched sooooooo many martial arts movies as a child even by the ripe age of five, I told my instructors that I could easily leap onto the rooftops as they did in the movies. I got A's, B's and C's at school. I think the question that adults often ask children--What do you want to be when you grow up? Is one that needs clarification. Firstly, your question in living life and getting to know yourself each day, is who am I? What am I good at? Wh...

Dear Mike, There's really no one to talk to.  It's bleak an empty.  Everyone has lives and I fit into a very small compartment of that life. So yeah I have a host of people but Brian does computer nerdy techy stuff.  Helen does Norwegian Dutch I must follow the rules shit.  William, well, he's suffering from breakup pangs. So I'm not as smart as you are. I don't know how that computes. You don't know what you don't know.  But I'm a little broken right now. And I know that your meditation helps you with your brokeness.   I know I'm a fuck up.  I know I'm self centered. Mike, why can't we just close eyes and be invisible?  It's not fair.  It's not fair that my brain is so utterly defective.  It's not fair that my life has been so utterly broken.   I'm trying what I'm trying to be. By April. I'm reaching with every breath I take  Now I'm broken.  I'm good at being broken.  Broken over my children.  Broken...

Hi Mike, It's so awkward this blog and all.  But it's me and myself.   And my indolence.   And lack of falling in to authority.  It's all of it.   And it's you for resonating with me.

So I went to quit my job yesterday.  But Nikkie said if she could be my my aide maybe I could stay.   The seventh graders were out of their seats the whole class period.  It was chaos.   I didn't have the temperament to handle that. So the school is trying to get me not to give up.  So I'm trying.

Hey, I guess my mom feels better about me.  She will be buying me a new car for Christmas.  I pleaded for her not to but she kept insisting.   I'm favoring the Honda Ridgeline. Things are crazy. I'm teaching 7th and 8th grade English and History.  The class is unruly but I am learning. Betty

Dear Mike, Summer has flown by.  School for teachers will start up August 6, 2021.  That's in two weeks.   I've made progress with my mother.  We were disparate and now I'm trying to get her to cling onto health.   Just because she is 75 years old she lost a sense of vigor.  She became used to being depleted.  I hit a hard reverse on that state of mind.  I sent her something almost daily to shock her out of complacency.  My mother had embraced fastigue as an inherent fact of aging.  I had to challenge her emotionally to lose that state of mind.  Next I have to educate her on sleep, inflammation, gut and brain connection and finally  exercise.  If she can get a grip on these subjects then she has a chance at turning her life around. I've made progress with my house.  I've promised myself to get it together.  And I'm getting there.  It feels good. I wanted 10 new best friends and it's a tough journey...

Dear Mike, So.  Goal: 10 new best friends. Sigh. A lot of communicating. Betty ... For a moment I felt like I was sinking.  My neighbor Dianne. I wanted her to be my friend. But she is a different kind of animal. Tending to worry.  Being risk aversed.  Of a binary world.  Us or them.  Black or white. Hey.  I'm not saying that operating in the gray zone is superior.  Just different.  Rule of life: people like those who are like themselves.  Just that my heart is breaking... I wish you were really a friend that I could lean on.

Hi Mike, I'm not sure where to begin. I just listened to a thing on Nelson Mandela. And I'm drinking a beer. There's so much to catch you up on.  My mom is always tired now.  It's heartbreaking Mike.  She is a tyrant.  She has immemse flaws.  But this?  Old age?   When it doesn't have to be this... When we can command age with diet and exercise. She doesn't listen to me. Philosophically death is well, hey. But she is my responsibility Mike.  What am supposed to do?  Drop everything and save her or just make the attempt?  If that is what you say then I will do it.  Because I trust you. Next item. Scott.  Um a thing.  Now not a thing.  I extracated myself with a morticum of restraint.  I didn't cave to binary thinking.  Good.  Bad.  Useful.  Disposable.  I went for the gray.  Because I am fair and just.  Even if it's just in my mind.   I have resources.   ...

Hey it's me...  I'm organizing a tubing trip down the Little Miami River for this Saturday.   I've read that 5% of us are organizers and the rest of us are waiting to be invited. I've somewhat in a relationship for a week now.  Yay for me, right? It's not perfect. There are skips and misses.  But it's a far cry from being on my own.   So I have to shift my paradigm to accommodate for this new reality.   My best friend Brian professed that he believed in me, not that I don't lead with my flaws because I do.  And he accepts me nontheless.   I suppose we are on journey  .. and I wonder if we are not all seeking community.   I don't trust my vision as much as I trust yours.  Because you are compassionate and gentle.  I'm 25% there.   As always I miss your presence in my life.   I talked to Matt Barron last night and mused about how great it would to be a Greek god like Zeus or Hera....

Dear Mike, Hi the heat of summer is upon us.  I've been busy squaring the house away with Scott.  He's been so enormously helpful! I'm in a relationship of sorts.   Things are touch and go but still intact. I think that I'm making another friend who is a writer as well as a medical technician for a day job. The months are ebbing by. You are still on my message short list so I am reminded of you daily.  I think the will to reach the destination of what it would take to be a quality friend to you is often in focus.  And the path is not clear.   I just want you to know that I'm happy. It never takes away from the immense love and admiration that I feel for you.   Thank you for being my friend Mike. Thank you. Betty