#42 November 2, 2021

Dear Mike,

There's really no one to talk to.  It's bleak an empty.  Everyone has lives and I fit into a very small compartment of that life.

So yeah I have a host of people but Brian does computer nerdy techy stuff.  Helen does Norwegian Dutch I must follow the rules shit.  William, well, he's suffering from breakup pangs.

So I'm not as smart as you are. I don't know how that computes. You don't know what you don't know.  But I'm a little broken right now.

And I know that your meditation helps you with your brokeness.  

I know I'm a fuck up.  I know I'm self centered.

Mike, why can't we just close eyes and be invisible?  It's not fair.  It's not fair that my brain is so utterly defective.  It's not fair that my life has been so utterly broken.  

I'm trying what I'm trying to be. By April.

I'm reaching with every breath I take 

Now I'm broken.  I'm good at being broken.  Broken over my children.  Broken 

And I wish you were in my life. 

And I can't guage myself.  I can't guage reality because time and again I prove to myself that I'm a fuck up.

Please don't let me be a mistake Mike.  Give me till April to be worthy of your friendship.  And fuck you for being smart.  

So I'm working to make things better by the time I leave.