July 7, 2022

July 7, 2022

Dear Mike,

It feels like I've fallen into a rabbit hole. It's cold, deep and dark.  

Today I'm sad. I know you're really fond of that, me, taking you on a journey that you've gone on all too often and actually really never wish to revisit, but I just put it in your face like you have the power to fix all ailments. But you can't. You're a man and men are driven to fix things and you hate me because I just put endless problems before you. I'm like this malware bot that breaks down your system and you can't even recognize yourself anymore because I'm so good at steeping you in my travails. Maybe it's called hijacking. Nonetheless…

Your favorite words in this world from me is, Mike, I'm so sad.

Yeah, I know, you've fallen for that one before. And I am sad, Mike, not utterly, not completely, not wholeheartedly but still, it's there.

I don't know if I'm just exercising self pity at this point. Self pity is a trait that I abhor in others though perhaps I forgive in myself.

The cashier at Sav A Lot asked me if I feared death. I said, "No". She corrected me. Wow, and that's why she's a cashier at Sav A Lot.

I wish you would talk to me. I wish you would call me.

I wanted to write to you today because my relationship with my mom is so on the mend. I leaned on you last year with the custody case and all. When does it ever go away Mike, the memories of our childhood? When does it ever go away?

I wish we could spend a day together so that we could really understand each other. I really, really, really want that, Mike.

You know I'm smart as a whip. I take in shit, but I want to see the depth of your generosity. I want to see how you engage with the world. The eyes are a part of the brain, you know, and much of the brain is simply dedicated to processing sight.

See, you didn't know that I was a nerd.

You know me, Mike. See? To your unfortunate luck. Sorry buddy. Other people get good luck, you, not so much. Suck it up big boy. Of course I'm kidding. You seem of medium stature.

I love you as one friend could love another.

My aim is for all of it or nothing altogether. I can be satisfied with both.

Betty