Notes to Mike

Preface When I was little I remember wanting a stuffed animal. I wanted a big brother to protect me. I used to tell my teachers in Vietnam that I spoke fluent English even though I spoke no English at all. I never wanted to be anything when I grew up because I never knew you had to get a job and make your own way in the world. In those days I had long mangling hair that was uncut because my father didn't believe in cutting hair for girls. In Vietnam I remember taking group martial arts outdoors and after having watched sooooooo many martial arts movies as a child even by the ripe age of five, I told my instructors that I could easily leap onto the rooftops as they did in the movies. I got A's, B's and C's at school. I think the question that adults often ask children--What do you want to be when you grow up? Is one that needs clarification. Firstly, your question in living life and getting to know yourself each day, is who am I? What am I good at? Wh...

Dear Mike, There's really no one to talk to.  It's bleak an empty.  Everyone has lives and I fit into a very small compartment of that life. So yeah I have a host of people but Brian does computer nerdy techy stuff.  Helen does Norwegian Dutch I must follow the rules shit.  William, well, he's suffering from breakup pangs. So I'm not as smart as you are. I don't know how that computes. You don't know what you don't know.  But I'm a little broken right now. And I know that your meditation helps you with your brokeness.   I know I'm a fuck up.  I know I'm self centered. Mike, why can't we just close eyes and be invisible?  It's not fair.  It's not fair that my brain is so utterly defective.  It's not fair that my life has been so utterly broken.   I'm trying what I'm trying to be. By April. I'm reaching with every breath I take  Now I'm broken.  I'm good at being broken.  Broken over my children.  Broken...

Hi Mike, It's so awkward this blog and all.  But it's me and myself.   And my indolence.   And lack of falling in to authority.  It's all of it.   And it's you for resonating with me.

So I went to quit my job yesterday.  But Nikkie said if she could be my my aide maybe I could stay.   The seventh graders were out of their seats the whole class period.  It was chaos.   I didn't have the temperament to handle that. So the school is trying to get me not to give up.  So I'm trying.

Hey, I guess my mom feels better about me.  She will be buying me a new car for Christmas.  I pleaded for her not to but she kept insisting.   I'm favoring the Honda Ridgeline. Things are crazy. I'm teaching 7th and 8th grade English and History.  The class is unruly but I am learning. Betty

Dear Mike, Summer has flown by.  School for teachers will start up August 6, 2021.  That's in two weeks.   I've made progress with my mother.  We were disparate and now I'm trying to get her to cling onto health.   Just because she is 75 years old she lost a sense of vigor.  She became used to being depleted.  I hit a hard reverse on that state of mind.  I sent her something almost daily to shock her out of complacency.  My mother had embraced fastigue as an inherent fact of aging.  I had to challenge her emotionally to lose that state of mind.  Next I have to educate her on sleep, inflammation, gut and brain connection and finally  exercise.  If she can get a grip on these subjects then she has a chance at turning her life around. I've made progress with my house.  I've promised myself to get it together.  And I'm getting there.  It feels good. I wanted 10 new best friends and it's a tough journey...

Dear Mike, So.  Goal: 10 new best friends. Sigh. A lot of communicating. Betty ... For a moment I felt like I was sinking.  My neighbor Dianne. I wanted her to be my friend. But she is a different kind of animal. Tending to worry.  Being risk aversed.  Of a binary world.  Us or them.  Black or white. Hey.  I'm not saying that operating in the gray zone is superior.  Just different.  Rule of life: people like those who are like themselves.  Just that my heart is breaking... I wish you were really a friend that I could lean on.