#20 May 3, 2021

Dear Mike,

I wish you could make more YouTube videos.  I know that you have more important priorities but as you already know that I think you are so talented and have such immense insight in your field.

It's another Monday and I spent the entire all of yesterday just indulging my intellect in the field of economics and psychology.  

I might as well be a jellyfish considering the amount of things I didn't get done.

Maybe some days are meant for just lounging around?  

I hope you had a more productive day.

I don't know that any relationship in my life is satisfying right now so I reside within the realms of my intellect.

Maybe it's just as well.

I don't know. I don't know how I ever became so pathetic as to not have a friendship in my life.  I don't know why I was the way I was with you.  

I'm good at giving people space.  

Why wasn't I like that with you Mike?

It baffles me?

Maybe it stemmed from a lack of self confidence so that I couldn't give our relationship time.

Maybe I came at it from a lacking sort of mentality.  Like the opposite of an abundance mentality.  

It felt like there was a void.  Of course a few things were coming at me at one time.  And I entertained my misery.  

I don't know the antidote that would tear me from the sadness that I entertained.

Compound to that was just the way that life treated me. And my lack of perspective on how to cope with it without bitterness.

I'm sorry that I abused our friendship.

I'm sorry that you regretted having me in your life.

I'm sorry that I deserved your regret.

I'm not sure that between you and me those boundaries would not collapse yet again.

I had not known that I was weak or fragile or destructive. This has definitely been a news alert for me.  

I never knew that there was something in life that was beyond my ability to achieve if I reached for it.

I suppose this is something that has significant meaning to me.

Your friendship is a gift. And I'm just contending with how I could possibly have you as a friend, as my friend.

So I thought about it Mike and I came to the conclusion the way earlier in the day and I could have you for a friend I could respect the boundaries but it would be all for you