#11 April 23, 2021

Dear Mike,

I hope one day you do actually read this blog.  I'm hoping.  There is the last item that did not escape Pandora's box, hope.  It seemed so long ago that I spoke to you.  

I did an interview with Roger Rucker and the sound did not record properly.  I'm getting so frustrated with equipment failure.

The children at school are getting to be so inclusive of me in their conversations.  During last period yesterday the teacher left no work for the class so we just talked with each other the entire class period.  

Academically I've been learning the role of the narrator in the American novel.

Stan from eHarmony discussed his work with me when I got home.  He has an undergrad in accounting and a master's degree in human resources.  He went over with me  in very specific detail the summation of his entire experience managing and staffing many doctor offices; his interaction with staff and doctors. He said at one point there came to be a lack of joy so he stopped.

It made me sad to hear him talk about his ex-wife to whom he was married for 25 years.  She was a stay-at-home mom and they had two girls.  At the end of that time she just didn't want to be with him anymore.  If you don't work at a relationship it can wither.

It's kind of odd that Stan believes everything in the Bible, I mean literally.  He's a creationist.  

I asked him if he would discard me if I didn't believe in God?  Well, he hasn't yet so perhaps that's a good sign.

He's physically really very attractive.

I rewatched a portion of your YouTube video because my memory of you is fading.  I read some of the comments.  

My takeaway is that you're such a compassionate person Mike.  It really does come across.  

Stan complained to me about other women on eHarmomy, that their profiles were flimsy and not well thought out; that they were liars and unscrupulous in some way.  

It's been cold and snowy in Ohio.  I wonder what work you do in inclimate weather.  

Rewatching the YouTube thing reacquainted me with the workings of your mind.  It's intricate and detailed.  I can just imagine you as a father.  It's hard to imagine you as less than outstanding in any endeavor.

I miss the good parts of being  with my daughter.  It was 99.9% good.  She's utterly precious.

I guess I'm floundering.  I've never had to struggle to be nurturing in a friendship.  I don't do nurture.   I've always made people deal with my selfish ways.  I've never had to struggle to be a value add to a friendship.  I've never really cared about being a friend or having friends.

From here to there Mike.  I imagine Mike Tyson and his interview with Joe Rogan.  Mike Tyson was a different person in his younger years while under a different influence and later, as he got married and had a daughter there was a profound change in his character, personality and disposition.  I suppose the human spirit is changeable.  

I get frustrated with myself that I'm not in your corner Mike.  I think I'm self absorbed.  I'm not an other centered kind of person but I want to be.  It's a journey worth taking.  

I miss the good parts of you, the part that engages with me.  But I suppose I don't deserve that.  

I hope perhaps one day.

This morning as I boarded the bus I asked if I would get credit for the nice weather today. Shawn, the bus driver, said yes since I got the blame for  the bad weather yesterday.

I told him about how Stan thought my writing was clear and understandable.  

Shawn said that most people were evil.  I said, "No!  Most people are good."

We each embraced our personal philosophies.

I said, "People are good and you know that I'm well read and so you believe me."

He shook his head and I was about to offer to arm wrestle him to settle the topic but then we got caught up on a different conversation.

Shawn said that everybody has an agenda as they go about their everyday life.

He asked me what my agenda was.

I asked him if he had heard of the story of Gilgamesh.  It's the most ancient story that is preserved.  It was about a Sumarian king who wanted to become immortal.  Of course he didn't succeed.  But the theme of immortality is a reccuring one.  Look at Harry Potter.  Lord Valdemort aspired  for immortality.  Look at Bill Gates and his foundation.  He's striving for something that survives him.  I told Shawn that my writing will persist long after I'm gone.  The children that I nurture at school will be served by my choices and my example to them.  I will make a difference with my life, at least in my mind.

To the last part of my statement Shawn responded, "That's a mouthful."

I told him that he was funny.  We both laughed.  I suppose mornings can get philosophical between us.

I asked Shawn how often he communicated with his wife throughout the day.  He said he just talks to her after work.  I said that I would not be able to handle that distance in a relationship.  Genetically I'm wired to desire more closeness.  It's nothing that I have a choice over.  It's biological programming.  I said that I tend to be way more communicative, maybe to stalker level.  

He hollered, "Restraining order!" as I deboarded the bus.  He's such a goof.  It's great to have someone to talk to even if it's just a very brief moment.