#7 April 17, 2021

Dear Mike,

I like the principal but it's going to be hell convincing him to reshoot the interview.  I'm throwing writing an article on him as the concession prize.  "Why Black America Should Aspire to Become High School Principal?" 

You said that community starts with schools.

See, I pay attention.

Mike, I'm grateful for the challenge to be more than what I am.

I'm grateful for the challenge to impact the world.

I can do this.

It intrigues me, the things that make up for a life.  Consider military pilot.  Low intellect score of 108.  Massive accomplishments in life.  Loves his mom.  Has all the respect in the world for her and me as well.   But I felt that he was slimy.  The way he came across was just disgusting.  There was repetition.  I hate repetition.  Maybe there was the rub.  Then he couldn't formulate his thoughts.  What the mother fuck!  Like dude you fucking have an MBA and an undergrad.  Can you just mother fucking formulate your thoughts!  It was like talking to an ape.  The guy was so basic.  He might as well been talking in a foreign language because I'd have to restate everything he said.  Then he would brighten up and feel understood and say, "Yeah!"

Like for real that gets old really quick.  

I'm not a fucking translator.

Get with the program or get the fuck out of my life.  

I just couldn't deal with it.

On the slate now is Tom.  High school graduate.  108 intellect score.  129 compatibility score.   He's a lineman supervisor so he drives around all day.  This is his self definition: the gagets he has in his life from boat to the motor thing that goes on the snow to like other stuff.  His self definition is also his time.  He aspire to commute to Niagara Falls in the summer and live in Florida for the winter.  That's his four year plan.  

I think he just gave me an inventory book and a calendar.

Dating sucks.

Mike, I'm grateful to be alive because you're in this world.  

I'm reading a book review on Jordan Petterson's Beyond Order.  The author calls Petterson a self help sexist.  It's hysterical.  

The author states that that Petterson is stern, sincere, intolerant of fools.  So true.  I love Jordan Petterson.

He's all about the chaos that is constantly threatening to engulf our lives.  

His prescription is to: assume responsibility, discover the capacity for self-discipline, and face life as unflinchingly as you can.

I'm so trying to do all that.  

Petterson writes that a meaningful life is impossible in isolation, so we must take responsibility for reaching out to others, and getting along with them.  

Yeah.  It's the getting along part that's tough.

He continues, "We need courage in order to face the terrors of mortal existence, but we need love too. And love takes work."

Peterson has such command of language and refinement of thought.  

There are two main kinds of suffering: the kind that results from power disparities between groups like racism, sexism, economic inequality. 

There is the kind that comes with being a finite human.

The inability to control the present or predict the future.

The impossibility of ever fully knowing even those to whom we’re closest. 

Peterson advises readers to allow themselves to be vulnerable with their partners; to keep beautiful objects in their homes; and to deal with distressing memories by writing them down.

So back to the Betty Project of making myself friend worthy.  Yesterday, I didn't stab Cathy with one of a million pinprick to erode her self concept.  I'm evolving.

Note to Cathy...

Cathy I have chosen not to erode your self concept with a million pinpricks. You can put your armor away.  

Please forgive me for my unkindness.  

I'm struggling with this situation but I am confident that I won't hurt your feelings again.

And I'm choosing not to paint my childhood with pale, dull colors of neglect. I'm trying to stop seeing my childhood as tortured? I'm looking for ways to let go of that self concept.  It will be a far harder thing to do than just being nice.  But I want to be a place that only offers you, my best friend,  happiness, a place that nurtures.  I'm trying really hard but getting me from here to there is like feeling my way in the dark.  

In Beyond Order Petterson writes that resentment and the nursing of grievances are a direct road to psychological hell.  “Do not allow yourself to become resentful, deceitful, or arrogant."

I think my arrogance is rather beautiful.

And there is no deceit.

Sometimes I resent the fact that I exist.  I resent the things that were hurtful in my childhood.

I'm going to try and stop licking those wounds because that back story is causing me harm.  It makes me bleak.  I dwell in darkness if I derived from darkness.  

Hey.  You got 50 views from my posting your video on my LinkedIn.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=bLW6IF7EttA

Yay!  Woo hoo for you.

My project today is to lay down landscape fabric.  After that I will cover it with a rock garden.

"By seeking vengeance and the wrath of God on those that we don't care about..."

Felix was writting a story about a homeless woman in Africa.  

A picture of Felix.  He lives in Africa.

Now that I'm realign my values  I'm attuned to the word vengeance.  I'm trying not to go there ever.  I'm trying to take that out of my list of options.  

Holy fuck.  I've got a ton of reminders for stuff that I have to take care of.  Grrr!  

Betty's mantra...do the uncomfortable.  That is choosing my conflict.  I'm proud that I'm doing things that are hard.  I'm proud that I can bare the burden of discomfort.  It's me striving toward stoicism, taking the hard road so that I can appreciate the easy one.

I'm wearing a new hat Mike.  I hope it looks good on me.

I've met two amazing people on the face of this planet so far, one was my friend Steve.  The other one is you.

I'm just grateful that you're in this world.  I'm grateful for my conversation with Mr. Knight.  

Life is so amazing Mike.  It's so beautiful.  Through all that you've endured you came out in a different place.  All of it added richness and tapistry to you. 

I love your compassion.  

I love how it played out with me.

Wherever you're going Mike, I want to go with you.

I am grateful that you have suffered me for two weeks.  Uh.  How many seconds are there in two weeks?  Yeah.  Immeasurable amounts of seconds.

I know you care about our friendship.  I think I can contribute to your life.

I think my cat is in love with me. She is walking around me continuously for the past while.  I don't know how I'm deserving of her affection.  I'm a dog person.  I do not dwell in cat psychology.

Look, see, I can be nice every other week...

So here's my guy David...

131 intellect, 92 self control

I set him straight.  He's had a rough week of not getting along with people at Lowe's where he works.  I told him that he was expecting people to be like him.  Some people are at 87 intellect.  They would never be him in a million years.  And he's walking around with knots in his stomach because his expectation of the world is not complying with how things should go down.

I told him you gotta treat people like children because everybody is different.  

Anyways he has a bachelor's in IT and I told him to go back to school to get whatever other certifications he needed to get a job in that field.  In five years, in ten years robots are taking over the job market.  Since he already has an interest in computers that's the place to be.  

I sent some links about the future:

https://youtu.be/qgqqTqeVHqw

https://youtu.be/ma0LjIJILtE

https://youtu.be/I15EF6XVaZA

https://youtu.be/iTLssSIetq0

He said that he didn't have the money to go back to school right now.  I said just go live with your mom and borrow money.  

He's got a gift.  If I had that gift I would not squander it.

And it can easily get him the financial stability that he's looking for.

He said that he needed to get his life organized.  I said that it sounded like he needed a woman.

He thought I was charming.

I understand him. New Yorker mentality.  Trashy mouth.  No patience.  I got it.  I know how to talk to him.  I think he adores me.  

I need a 131 intellect more like you Mike, high on the compassion side with a great deal more of an understanding of human nature.  

If I'm laying it out for you I got respect for you.  You're not at my level.

I guess I just keep him around because I don't want to be lonely. If I need someone to tell me I'm pretty on an ugly day then I have David.  

I'm taking baby steps venturing into the world of the uncomfortable.  You gotta hand it to Joe Rogan.  He makes an idea compelling.  I love that he's so focused on family.  

I know that the divide between my son and my daughter will be healed.  Like fuck, everything is in their head.  I never harmed them.  The only thing that they will have to contend with is themselves.  If and when they treat me unfairly they have to contend with themselves.  They will have to look in the mirror and contend with that reflection.  Their life.  Their choice.  I got nothing to with it. 

I'm here to support them but hey if I am lacking and they think that they can have better somewhere else then good luck with that.

I do take responsibility for my children.  I toppled the first domino which is marrying their father.  How was I to know that you don't marry a man who doesn't like his mom?  Like she's all of everything.  If he can't respect her he will never respect you.  

I didn't catch that.  

My biological clock said that it was time to have babies and I complied.  

And it was just another tragedy that unfolded.

I'd have say that he was smart enough to be with me.  

I am nobody that you want to mess with in a good day.  And yet he endured.  Even in his small mathematical way, he endured.  And would have continued to endure.  But I wasn't getting anything out of us after a while.  If I didn't have a reason then I was done.  

The children are bystanders to a catastrophy.

Of my making.

Blame it on the mom.  I will take it.  That I gave my biology.  That I have my history.  I am responsible for my children's trajectory.  

In my smallness and my greatness.  

As far as 14 year old minds and 20 year old minds are concerned let me be the one that bears the burden if their responsibility in life.

I'm mom.  I put forth their whoever they are I this world.  I don't know shit.  Everything I know I read from a book.  Everything I've experienced is not pretty.

I'm okay with that.

Who is your audience?  The only audience is you Mike.  All these thought.  All of this dissection.  I would never care to do it if it wasn't for you.

So care, love.  Whatever the shit word that you want to encase it in.  

When I think of you I am nothing because I love you so immensely.  And I know that's not okay.

Like I'm not skinny minnie. I will get there.  Just not right now.  I drink.  And you hate that.  You fucking do not deal.  

The thing is in one year.  Who will we be in one year?  

Anything recognizable from today?

All I have is my mentally to contribute to who you are right now.

I care about you beyond reason Mike.

You're my best friend.

And if and when I deserve to have you in my life then I will let you know.