#6 April 16, 2021

Dear Mike,

In many ways maybe I could create my own struggle mentally and physically, if that is a better path.

I didn't realized that I'm not a good person until I saw how everything played out in our interactions.

I suck rotten apples for sure.

I can be better.  

https://youtu.be/bLW6IF7EttA

I need to procure mind over matter. To thrive in the challenge of the struggle.  I've never been this kind of person.  I guess it's time to try on a different hat.

Betty

Ps.  You need a better way to conclude your YouTube video.  

https://youtu.be/bLW6IF7EttA

Pps.  It's kind of weird that all of a sudden you're like the most important person in my life.  You were right about our first conversation together.  You said there was only one other person with whom you felt this closely.  I feel the same way. And between us it was a good start though relationships are about feedback also.  I'm not a mind reader.  I don't know what impact I'm making sometimes unless you enlighten me.  The last thing I wanted to do was lose our relationship.  

I'm sorry for being pushy.  

I'm sorry for not stepping back.

I could have entirely been something else.  

You know this.  You could have directed my intelligence.  It didn't have to be about me.  Or what my life entailed.  I am a good friend Mike.  If you gave me clear parameters I can work within it's confines.

But the thing that I could not work with were my overwhelming feelings for you.  I'm not sure that you were even attracted to me in the tiniest bit.  But I know clearly that you have this superstition that anything touching alcohol can only cause destruction in your life and it's not anything that you can allow.  I got that.

It wasn't right that I couldn't respect that boundary.  I thought I could when I pledged to you that it wouldn't be an area that I would overstep.  

In essence I broke my word.  

I'm not that kind of person, the kind who breaks their word.  If I said it, that's how it is.  

But I did break my word.  That's just wrong.  If you can't trust someone then they don't earn a place in your life.  

I want a place in your life Mike.  

So let me earn this.

Ppps.  Have a great day.

As I stood waiting for the bus today something occurred to me to fuck with Cathy's mind and erode her self confidence but I chose not to entertain those intentions.  

See.  I'm struggling with myself to procure a different being, a different mentality, a different spirit 

I like being mean.

I guess I'm going to have to figure something else to like.

The weather is really nice except my fingers are freezing.  I think you and Joe Rogan have a lot in common.

Corresponding with Nathan Shields, history teacher at Thurgood Marshal High School regarding article on Vietnam:

Ms. Bassett,

A very powerful story. Is this autobiographical? Thank you for sharing.

Regards,

My response:

Hi Mr. Shields,

It is autobiographical however I've chosen to realign myself with a different back story now.  I don't want to come from tragedy so I will choose to find the places where I can find gratefulness.

Betty

So I'm working on having a man in my life and becoming a better person so that I can have you back in my life again, but in a different way maybe not so frantic, maybe way more relaxed.

I'm such a dweeb.  Sorry for trying your patience.

I miss you so incredibly.  

I was just talking to Tom in Florida.  He asked why I contacted him when we lived so far apart?  I said,  "It's because we have a compatibility score of 129.  I didn't want to have to be with someone where we are trying to pull each other's hairs out."  I put a country twang on it.  God, I am never going to find a man at this rate. 

Today was an awesome day!  Sixth period was so challenging.  The kids wouldn't sit down. I waited.  Finally I had to get with various groups to ask them to sit.  It felt like thirty minutes of just the whole process.  

Finally I got some compliance.  At the end of the day I asked a kid how I did?  He said, "Great!" Yay!  It's hard not to command but rather request politely.  I'm really glad I succeeded in keeping a calm working environment for the kids.  I'd call it a win.

Omg.  I had a thirty minute interview with Mr. Knight and it didn't take.  Equipment failure.  He is going to kill me.  Ugh.

David gave me an opening today.  He said how was your week?  I said it was good and bad.  I think his fucking 131 intellect was in math.

Dinner is my only meal of the day starting now.  

Today.

Ham.  Chicken broth.  Kale. Garbanzo beans.  

I asked the principal if thurgood Marshall high School in Dayton Ohio what was the meaning of life and why does he get up in the morning.

His answer to the second was that there was passion.

I'm purchasing a video camera.

And since I'm also a fuck up at video recording as well as my relationship with you and then I'm going to offer the principal of thurgood Marshall high School and article on him and not just video content.

I'm purchasing a video camera.

Like something that looks more authentic than just a cell phone.

You like me because I'm powerful.

You like what I wrote about Vietnam.

If I can reach into your heart then how many hearts can I reach into.

Project to the future Mike and what do you see?

I'm not sure what my train of thought was regarding this thought experiment because I have drank nearly a beer.

I know I'm worthless to you.

In some ways.

And it's okay if you can't see us anything more than a friend.

I would never expect you to intellectually. But in Pandora's box there was hope.

If I could just crush that escapee. I would be much more content with my lot in life.  

Ultimately I can accept a lack of hope.  

I aspire for friendship.

I can never do anything to hurt you or make you feel vulnerable.  You are a part of my tribe.  

My intelligence is for you, not against you.

I hate this being the end of my day.  

There's emptiness and discomfort.

I'd rather not have that because I'm more used to a pampered existence.

God I miss you so incredibly.

And I guess I have the next 2 weeks to define what the fuck I just said.

I only wish you well.