#3 April 15, 2021

Journal: April 15, 2021

The primary cause for the downfall of my relationship with my best friend Mike was that we were at cross purposes in our lives.  We both had broken childhoods but of a different flavor.  That was our foundation.  Maybe it was why we resonated.  

His life had been fraught with stress of a very traumatic sort that ate away at his self definition.  

My life was simply one of neglect.

At this juncture he wanted peace.

At this juncture my mind raced.  There was intellectual curiosity.  I didn't suppress any feelings.  I magnified them so that I could examine them under my microscope.  I'm fascinated by psychology.  

I opened new packages of trauma for us to examine every day.  I didn't even think it would be hard on him.  In the end that proved not to be the case.  

I should have not been the neanderthal that I am and I should have realized that it wasn't healthy for me to subject him to all this.  I should have realized but I didn't.  I was too self absorbed.  My life was a puzzle and like Sherlock Holmes I would dismantle it and see it for all it's pieces.  I don't think Mike saw it that way, not with scientific distance at least.  The things that I said to him affected his efforts to procure tranquility in his own life.  I was most definitely not what the doctor ordered for him.  I was the bull in the china shop and it hurt him that I was at times cruel to others.  I'm really good at justifying and giving valid reasons for my behavior but at the end of the day I was a value take-a-way not a value add.