#13 April 25, 2021

Dear Mike,

Here is a picture of Stan.  

Yesterday I explored Plot techniques in American fiction.  It makes for an interesting life wrestling with all of these new considerations.  Learning about literary techniques it's like diving into cool water on a hot day.  It's satisfying.

Yesterday was overcast and a little rainy. I wondered if you mowed any lawns yesterday.  

My entire day was about getting to know Stan.  

I am starting to understand him a little.  He conveyed to me his programming and the rules by which his life is bounded.  

We discussed the music industry because that is a fascination of his.  He aspires to be a songwriter.  And he practices his guitar one hour everyday.

Stan loves nature.  There is a way that he communes with the forest and takes in the sites and sounds of the woods.

I'm not sure that my journey with Stan is where I want to go.  

There are plans for him to visit Dayton on May 14th.  Visiting the zoo, going to the arboretum, and kayaking will be on the menu.  

Stan refuses to get a hotel so I  have to clean my house.  

It's going to be a project.

Wish me luck.

I spoke with Helen last night.  She's studying cyber security.  I'm so proud of her for pushing herself.  She said that the class sucks but she's plugging away.  I think she's renouncing being a wife and mother at this juncture so that she could focus on her studies.  I doubt the husband and kids are cooperating with her choice.

I think I'm going to reluctantly trust the universe?  And say that the universe has my back?  And this is the way that it is pushing me to get my house clean.  It is conceivably within the realm of my control.  

In our video chats on Zoom Stan said he enjoyed how much I smiled.  Perhaps it was gratifying.

Maybe we should have zoomed Mike.  I know that in my life I do have a magnetic effect on people.  I am charming.  It's easy to strike up conversations.  I am  acceptible.  And I do navigate boundaries sufficient to most people's liking.  It's me who holds myself away and apart so that I can have space and I'm protective of that space.  I'm not very social.

Only, I do write a lot.

To you.

Well Mike, we all have our cross to bear.  

Well, what is it going to be between you and me at the end of the day?  I've got my weaknesses and my strengths.  I've got my intentions and aspirations.  It's just not clear to me.  My primary directive is to do no harm, well most especially to you.  

I've got to get everything straight in my mind.  

I don't know if I'm smart enough to get perspective.  

I want this Mike.  I want to be a value plus whatever that means.

I think you can feel my suffering.  But it takes suffering to get from here to there.  It takes desire.  It takes overwhelming desire.  It takes having  something mean so much that you would move the world.  

Maybe Stan will sell his house and live in dayton with me.

That would make me happy.

What more could I possibly want that a man in my bed every night.  That is the only thing that I aspire to.  Someone that I find acceptable.  

It could be Stan.

My care also is also for you Mike and I would only hope that you find a person that satisfies and inspires you.  

My life often is rotten apples.  You know that.  

The depth of my sadness is often a pit that I fall into.  

So, I'm fighting it as I define a new back story.

So as to becoming a better person, someone not defined by tragedy, to be a worthy friend to you, worthy of your engagement, that is what I'm reaching for.  You have a perspective that is keen.  That is encompassing.  That is more than my intelligence.  I cannot see beyond the horizon but you can.

After talking to Stan for the past few hours I'm not sure I want to be with Stan.  He's so damaged by his ex-wife.  He said he would never marry again.

I'm not sure I want that as a going in proposition.  The depth of his frustration and disappointment with his past relationship was really great.  Perhaps insurmountable. 

He used the wrong pronoun as he was describing the situation.  I asked him to tell me all the ways that his ex-wife was successful in their relationship.  He did so but then he also recounted the ways that she failed then he used the word "you".

"You don't ...  You shouldn't..." I felt affronted like he was making me a past demon that he was still fighting in his mind right now.  Any woman in his life was going to be the stand in for the ex-wife that he had caused him suffering.  He was not about to subject himself to that again.  It makes sense.  It is how psychology works.  I'm not sure that I want someone who would hold me at arm's length.  It might be too great an obstacle for me.

I don't know what to do Mike.

It's painful trying to separate from someone that in just a previous moment you were trying to get close to.

There was hope and you put yourself in that hope.  And you suspend all disbelief like in a fairy tale.  

Your, absolute first thought about this may be that everything was been a delusion. It has just been a mindgame Mike and a thought experiment.  

Stan was what I thought I wanted.  He saw my intellect.  He appreciated my values.  And there were other things.  

The space from here to there.

What's in that space Mike?

Sorrow?  Regret?  Intelligence?  Foresight?  Wisdom?  

You tell me.  

From Stan to me...

I have now read your email. (I sent a copy of what I wrote here.)  Betty, as I said before, I don't think you know yourself. You need validation from a friend. I don't apologize for being unwilling to get a hotel. I take Covid seriously. I asked you not fret about the appearance of your home for me. It is not my home and I would have been fine with anything as I told you.

You obviously have doubts about me and I understand. I think you also doubt yourself and what you are really seeking. I think you are perfectly fine, lovely and intellectual but I can't deal with a lady that vacillates about her decisions. You have repeatedly told me you want me to come but now it seems you need some input from Mike. I wish you luck with that as you obviously trust his advice. I just don't want to become involved with anyone who cannot make their own decisions and trust their own judgement.

I wish you the best in your search for your kind of man.

Sincerely

Stan

From me to Stan...

Dear Stan,

Mike will get back to me next year as our friendship is on hold. I was too disruptive an element in his life.  

If your primary concern is that I'm trusting more of Mike's opinion, you might be right if he is a part of my life to give an opinion. I'm sure I would trust it.  

I did reach out to four of my girlfriends on this matter to take a poll because I trust you that you would never marry again.  

None of my girlfriends were available.

My friends are my advisors when I hit a wall.

I have indeed my own mind.

And it tells me that you are suffering from Ptsd right now. It stands for post traumatic stress disorder.

I'm not your ex-wife Stan.

If you paint me with a broad brush then it is unfair. I am not cruel to children. I haven't caused the attrocities that your ex-wife committed.  

But I feel that when you see me you see your ex-wife.  

It's psychology Stan. It's your nature trying to protect you from future harm.

I can't fight the spectre of your memory.  

I won't succeed in changing a mind that is already made up.  

You've told me again and again that you will not remarry. I believe you.  

I'm unwilling to invest in a relationship where that's not on the table. I'm looking to grow old with someone. I'm looking for someone who will commit to me.  

You're not there right now.

If we push forward it will be a wasted endeavor because I will only be frutrated at never getting what I want and that is commitment.

Betty