#10 April 20, 2021

Hi Mike,

It's 12:13 a.m. and I'm up.  There's a lot to do.  How are you?  I got a call from Troy, Mr. 140 intellect score.  He said a profanity to me.  It's such a huge turn off.  

I once met a drummer in college.  He gave a speech and had a standing ovation.  We conversated and he said that connections are about rhythm whether we are attracted to someone or repelled by them.  I don't know if I'm explaining it well.  It makes sense in my mind.

I talked to Charles last night while I was cooking my beef stew and drinking my beer.  He's such a sweet man.  It seems like we understand each other.  He only has a high school diploma but is not intimidated that I have all these educational aspirations.  I told him I was studying social psychology which is the study of people when they are with others, like the range of what will they do and what won't they do when they are with others.

His job is simply taking cement block orders and fetching the merchandise.  It keeps him fit which is very nice.  I mean he looks good.

I saw your picture on my phone as I saved Troy to my contact.  You and I had talked that one time.  

I'm trying to give you distance.

I hope yesterday was amazing for you.  

I so incredibly miss texting you and having your engagement.  

But it was way overdone.  

I'm so sorry that I was so intrusive.  

Perhaps we can find a balance somewhere, somehow.

What I loved yesterday was Mr. Knight.  He had this incredible presence in the morning as he was sitting in his office and I was breaking to him the bad news that we had to do a retake the video.  His demeanor in the morning was fresh and unencumbered.  It was joyful and filled with anticipation.  

I wonder to myself what is your meditation like?  Why do you love your job now?  You said that you loved it the most of all the jobs you've had.  Go figure.  If I had your job it may be akin to suffering.  I do not like sunny days.  

I'm just amused thinking about you.  What joy and fascination do you find in your work?  

You're such an amazing human being.  And you certainly know how to occupy yourself spiritually.  I wonder what the interior is like, your thoughts and feeling?

You know Mike I love your perspective on things.  You say the most beautiful things.  And sometimes also the most insightful things.

Yesterday I tried to notice textures and as rode the bus my gaze fell upon a faded brick building.  It was red with black trimming.  It had Roman architectural elements with a proper balance of curves and straight lines.  The horizonal and vertical elements were very satisfying to take in.  It's like witnessing perfection.  The Romans loved balance not extremes.  

Yesterday The Biology of Belief made the biggest difference:

https://youtu.be/qyBOKZ97J40

Deterministic or not deterministic?  Who knows?  I love the struggle, the mental entanglement, the contention. 

I hope that you still deeply care about me and I hope that I enrich your life Mike with my take on things.  I wish we could truly engage but now is not a good time.  I still have to work out my mom.  I think she's honorable.  In Cathy it's almost a fault.  Maybe in my mother it's almost a fault too.  Like when you are driven to do the thing that you know is the right thing.  They both have a great capacity to dwell in discomfort.  I'm trying to develop that capacity.  

With my mother I want her to have peace of mind.  I want her to forgive herself for her bad choices.  I sense an inner hatred of self like there's a pit of emptiness and disapproval.  At the end of the day even after she's won all of her battles it's a hollow victory because it's lonely after you've driven everybody away.

My mom has made so many mistakes because she's so fierce with people.  Jordan Peterson said to do the least harm possible in all of your interactions.  My mom has the fearfulness of a chihuahua with the teeth of a lion.  

She is good at destroying herself.  And destroying the good will of the people around her.  

I'm not sure that I know how to fix that.  I suppose I have to give it some thought.

My mom is a delicate proposition because if she is slighted she is dismissive.  It's hard to strike a balance.  It's in the Vietnamese handbook.  One must always save face.

Sparing on eharmony:

I am criticizing felix's writing.

"It was dark, the water shimmered under the moonlight, the frogs croaking to a ludicrous tune, chirping crickets from far and near."

He succeeds in so many ways; in as many ways as he fails.  It's in the struggle.  He is reaching for the prize.  He's so close to being a superb writer on some days.  

I listened to this book summary today:

https://www.google.com/search?q=chatter+ethan+book+summary&oq=chatter+ethan+book+su&aqs=chrome.1.69i57j33i22i29i30.12221j0j4&client=ms-android-samsung-gj-rev1&sourceid=chrome-mobile&ie=UTF-8

It's hard to tear myself away from writing to you.  

I want you to have the most amazing day ever, today.  I'm sure you always do.  I'm sure there are moments.  You're such an incredible success, Mike.

I love it that you enjoy the life that you have. 

I love the interior of the things that make for Mike just because most of the time it's restful and contemplative.  The things which make for Mike is a place filled with kindness.  

I think today I will ask myself, "How can be of service? Or where can I be of most service?"

Today I am exploring perspectives in social psychology.  It's really fun.  I love trying to memorize stuff so I can talk about them like an intelligent human being.  It doesn't come easy.

Yesterday I explored literary periods and movements in American literature. It made for a very pleasant day.  

The Colonial Period (1607–1775)

The Revolutionary Age (1765–1790)

The Early National Period (1775–1828)

The American Renaissance (1828–1865)

The Realistic Period (1865–1900)

The way each period is defined and characterized is intriguing.  

I'm sad about Patrick.  He has an interest in neurology but he doesn't have the capacity of writing.  After all the ways that I engaged with him yesterday he merely sent me yet another of his stained glass projects.  

It feels like Patrick and I are done.  I need someone with refinement of thinking and ability of expression.  It already feels lonely being with him. 

From Charles:

Good morning Betty. 

Thanks for thinking of me already this morning. I was thinking about you too.  It's nice to hear from you, and l enjoy talking with you. You have such a pleasant voice. 

Well beautiful girl, you have yourself a wonderful day.

Take care and be safe!

...

See.  I could have a boyfriend.  One day.  Maybe.  Then we could be friends again.  I would treasure that.

Hey.  It's a beautiful day out.  The flowering blooms are gone from the trees.  And the leaves have sprouted so quickly.  

The pattern of intermingling branches can be lovely.  Neighbors have cut their lawns.  

It's cloudy and overcast this morning with a medium hue of gray.  The temperature is nearly on the verge of numbing my fingers.  

I love the perspective of the sidewalk as it stretches in the distance on a two dimensional plane.

A lone cycler idly peddles by.  The sound of a passenger plane rumbles overhead.  

If I look for texture then I find it in the variations of color and sizes of leaves between trees.  On some trees leaves are more densely populated.  The branches grow closer together.  The tree has a stout dense feeling about it.  

I think color influences the perception of texture.  The bark of one tree is more gray. The bark of another tree is more brown.  

My walk at the bus terminal this morning was mediative.  The moment was surreal like a slow motion capture.  Although time moves on I tried to linger.

On the bus ride I had a heart to heart with Lowell Harris, the bus driver.  He recounted the entirety of his life.  People do that a lot.  He said I had a good spirit when I left.  It was a good start to a good day.  

Mr. Henshaw, the vice principal thanked me for being a substitute teacher at Thurgood Marshall High School.  It is amazing that I'm actually noticed and appreciated.  Go figure!

I helping out the gym teacher today as no teacher are out.  We are in the lunch room because the gym is relinquished to testing.  The kids taught me how play a card game called Trump.  I destroyed them hand after hand.  My policy is take no prisoners.  Every time this one girl lost she accused the rest of us of cheating.  It was hysterical.

I did lunch room duty and just walked around and conversated with the kids.  It's nice to make a good impression with the kids and take an interest in them.  

Mr. Johnson, the security guard, is really popular.  He is so sweet on the kids and really knows how to get on their good side.  

I'm listening to Eight Mindful Steps to Happiness.  

My response so far is that I am caught in a cycle of cause and effect.  There was a point where I couldn't get past my childhood.  It was like a closed room.  I'm still there but not as much.  I've let go of many ways in which I was trapped.  

At this point I'm trying to be a better person, one not defined by my past, one not so quarrelsome and quick to conflict, one mindful to do the least harm.  The only reason I care about that is because I wasn't good enough to be your friend Mike.  I put so much conflict in front of you.  The hostility that emanated from me, I fed it.  I gave it permission.  I nursed it.  And I was okay with it because I wasn't seeing it outside of myself from a different point of view.  I was seeing it from my justifications, my sense of fair play, my sense of equity. I don't have to be that person Mike.  I want to be the friend that you want to have.  Who I am right now is not the person you deserve to have in your life.  I will get better.  I'm trying.

My utter weakness is lack of discipline.  I'm trying so hard to cultivate becoming better by doing the uncomfortable.  I'm hoping it's like a muscle that I can build.  

With regard to renunciation of pleasure I wholehearted disagree.  I believe in beauty.  I believe in love.  And I believe in pleasure of the senses.